Most people ignore the strange and unusual

Just when I thought I was so over parodies of the Major-General's Song, along comes the incomparable Amber Benson, tweeting "I have a real thing for Formica & Linoleum." This is for her.


I am the Model Kitchen of Formica and Linoleum,
I scoff at common plastics made from fractions of petroleum,
My counters are all sanitary, scratch-proof, and symmetrical
In decorator colours, some with patterns geometrical!
My floors are made of backing cloth with sawdust, cork, and linseed oil,
Resisting scuffs and scratches and a wide array of dirt and soil,
Their cleaning’s quick and easy and they hardly ever cost a lot
(Designed by Frederick Walton and improved by William Parnacott!)

My motifs all are marvels of a future old and new again,
Nostalgia for the Space Age with a sense of Déjà vu again,
In short, in stars or sunbursts or the curved Cartesian Folium,
I am the Model Kitchen of Formica and Linoleum!